"If I find an island, I would suggest to name it as Bulisya," I said. She giggled. I was so elated by the fact that I had found my other half.

All of a sudden, it all went dark. There was no light. There was no sight. There was no sound. It was getting colder and colder. The air was thinning out. I was choked and started to cough heavily.

I was trembling. I was shivering. I was shaking. I was so afraid until I wetted my pant. I breathed like a sprinter who had just finished his run. My heart beat so fast, I felt like throwing out. I sweated as I would swim in it.

I was thinking about death. I thought I'll be dying sooner in a such horrific manner. I was expecting something worse will strike upon me at any time -- I  waited anxiously for the moment when my soul will be ripped off from my body.

It was not happening.

It was a long long wait. It was very painful, confusing, and heartbreaking. Every second that passed by was a torment. It was a real torture -- put yourself in the worst and cruelest and longest nightmare, and double it up -- it was so frightening and hurtful, I almost lost my sanity.

I started to cry when all my anticipation went against me. They had never took off. I was afraid. I was too afraid. My mind could not figure out what will happen next. I did not know what to expect. The silent had killed all my sense and wise and sensibility. I cried and cried until the tears did not come out anymore. I remember at one point when I was crying, I shut my eyes off -- with hope that when I opened my eyes, everything will be fine, everything will be back as normal before it all went dark.

I was wrong. It had never been better.

It was a total blackout. I could not see anything. I could not hear anything. My hands could not touch or reach anything. My ears could not diagnose any sound. The place was like a maze. I did not know where it was, how it was, what it was. It was a pure darkness, and an emptiness. The only thing I had was, my peculiar assumption, to acquaintance my restless self along the way.

And the breathing became hitched -- a painful and difficult chore.

The floor was as hard as marble. And it was a little bit slimy, resembling the floor in my bathroom. It smelled like burning promises.

I stopped my cries because nobody listened. I gathered up my strengths and courage into my veins, then I slowly stood up, then I walked. I walked like a blind man. I waved my hands in front, ups and downs, gesturing and emulating a blind man when he lost his walking stick -- praying that I could grip or touch something. There was nothing, still. I walked and I walked until my thigh had cramped, and at that particular moment, there was a thought crossing: I actually did not even know where I started, and where to should I finish it.

Foolishly back then, I shouted my heart out. I shouted and shouted so loud, to the extent, I had lost my voice, and the responses I only got were, echoes from my own grieves.

It was a desperate act.

I sat on my knees on the cold floor and felt devastated, and helpless. I was terrified, and petrified. My body was defeated. My efforts were neglected. My prayers were rejected. My mourns were mocked up. It was a real agony. There was no one to talk to, no one to listen to, no one who at least told me everything would be okay, and it was a complete loneliness.

I bit my lower lip deliberately until it was bled and I started to combat with my own thoughts and feelings. I started to believe and to embrace the truth. And I started to adapt.

And the biggest thing I did, I started to forgive myself and depart myself from the reality I once knew to be true, and I locked the secret up in the deepest sorrow.

I learned to accept an apology that I never got.

I was left off and stranded in the field of bitterness, darkness, emptiness, nothingness, and quietness. It was a crazy month, my manhood had been tested tragically and critically, I was vulnerable, I was forced to be alone, things seemed to go beyond my will, my boat was sinking, and I almost lost my faith. Everything happened at once. The one who I reckoned to be there for me had gone. I had been cheated by my own trust.

Amazingly, I was not holding any grudge over her or anyone -- even though I knew what was exactly going on about her -- I chose to save a silent prayer for her safety, for her new love, and for her happiness.

There was no one to blame. My fault, I had put her ahead of everything. And that was simply the best reason, the best justification I could find for her as she tore me apart.

"I thought you are the last one," I whispered, creating an image of her out of the darkness, "I mean it."

And there was no reply. Only silence endeared to my compelling confession.

With little air to breath, I gasped, "Perhaps, the hate had swallowed and snatched away all the fondness. And they locked them in the prison named, the stubbornness."

"And now, they left us in hollowness -- neither in the state of happiness nor sadness."

"For how long should it be?"

"Stick with me like a leech."

"Will us?"

***

I heard an intense yelling from a mocking bird. My nose caught smell of roasting coffee. I felt burnt.

There was something had bitten my cheek. 

I woke myself up. The trunk of sunlight was beating me right on my face. Seeking refuge, I sat on the edge of my bed, paused my mind from dreaming, and I lit up a cigarette. I smoked like it was my last butt.

Indeed, it was my last butt.

There was a weird feeling immersed. It felt like I just came out from a coffin, or in a confine space, or in a box.

I rose up and went to the window. I looked randomly for any strange thing at the outside, but, there was nothing oblivious that could capture my imagination.

It was some kind of a ritual -- we did something on a regular basis without having an apparent purpose for doing it.

"It's Thursday, Thursday's people," I murmured as I drew myself back to the bed.

Indeed, it was the last time I ever said that.

I hummed a song by Padi. Then I stopped at the bridge. I let my mind adrift.

My heart was full and heavy. I whiled away the time by faking the recovery, by lies, by hopes, but the truth was, in every breath I took, I went deeper and deeper in painful memories.

I pulled the blanket and I dived in it. Only God knew how much love had been wasted. The weight of my words, her words, our words, were left unlifted in my head.

The blue smokes from the unfinished cigarette in the ashtray, curled and lingered around in my room, and they slowly subsided, along with the yells of a mocking bird.

Kunci

Untuk kembali menyusun patah-patah kata, dan meluncur-kan apa yang tersembunyi di celahan-celahan ruas darah, tidak lagi mampu membuat aku berasa lepas dan bebas. Apa yang terdaya, hanya-lah memelihara dengan sabar dan tenang derita kesakitan dan perasaan kecundang, daripada tertendang keluar.

Aku menyanjungi rasa cinta. Aku mengagumi keindahan cinta. Aku tidak menyelindung-kan cinta aku dengan kepura-puraan dan kemarahan. Dan aku sentiasa terpesona serta membesar-besar siapa yang aku cinta.

Fahami-lah, dan mengerti-lah -- kerana kita semua tercipta atas nama cinta.

Dan aku juga tahu, tiada pelayaran yang tidak dipukul ribut dan gelombang -- dan hanya bahtera yang kukuh dan utuh yang bakal menerus-kan.

Ah, kedengaran memual-kan, bukan? Ah, kenapa mahu malu dengan perasaan? Bukan-kah cinta satu anugerah? Berapa ramai manusia di dalam dunia ini, yang gagal dan tidak pernah menikmati rasa cinta?

Sejelek mana pun, sepedih mana pun, sesekeliru mana sekalipun, aku tetap mahu bersyukur dengan apa yang Tuhan sumpah-kan ke atas aku, dan merai apa yang telah disusun-atur olehNya dengan sungguh-sungguh. Dan atas maksud ini, aku mahu dengan segagah-gagah-nya mempertahan apa yang telah kami sama-sama ikrari dan sepakati.

Kerana sesungguhnya, Dia telah tusuk-kan dia ke dalam waras aku -- hanya dia di jantung aku, hanya dia di dalam hela-hembus nafas aku -- hanya dia di seluruh aku.

Aku mengingin-kan dia sebagai yang terakhir, dan untuk-nya, aku mahu menjadi dia yang terakhir.

Dan aku telah terima dia seada-nya.

Dalam hening malam seperti ini, aku boleh dengar degup-degup dalam hati aku, ya, ada kehingaran yang tidak pernah surut, ada suara yang tidak pernah jemu, yang tegas dan berterusan berteriak, "I want to be her Imam, I want to be her Imam."

Aku mahu menjadi Imam dia, yang akan menuntun dia selama nafas di kerongkongan, untuk sama-sama sujud pada Dia sewajar-nya.

Bicara Refleksi 7

I'm not sad of losing. I'm not devastated.

People love to take for granted of everything.

God gives us two ears. The right ear and the left ear. And He places the ears precisely, so precisely between the brain so the brain can hear and make judgment wisely.

As we have two ears, please use them accordingly. Listen to the both side. The right one and the left one -- no matter how hard your heart could chew, and then, just let your brain decides, there is where the brain plays part.

God creates us brilliantly and perfectly. He puts the brain on the top, then the eyes and the ears almost parallel. Then the mouth. And then, the heart.

Think, hear and listen, watch and see, speak, and feel.

Do not trust your heart blindly. It's the fifth in sequence. Use your wisdom, not your emotion.

It's not the way you leave makes me feel bad, it's the ingratitude.

I invest my life in you

Your words are miraculous, I heard she says. Your envious are ridiculous, I heard she says. Your worries are superstitious, I heard she says. Your thinking are dangerous, I heard she says.

I nod.

Don't get me wrong, it just, maybe I am too ambitious, me says. Or perhaps too cautious, me says. Note, I speak in silent.

How do you want me to be, she says.

We are living in two different worlds. Apparently, after months of dating, we realize that we only share the passion -- the only thing that bonds us together. The temperature is always high, as she hardly think us as an item, or maybe I am alone have that kind of sight.

You are too critical, she says. I can't match with your faculty of thought, she says. And I'm still young, she says. Not as old as you, she says.

Yes, I am older than she is. Six years to be exact.

She is stepping through my past life trail and I am well aware about the challenges, the all-I-want-to-do-and-change thing when I was at her age.

I'm afraid of many things, me says. Losing the one I love the most once again is on the top of it, me says. Note, I speak in silent.

You are insecure, too insecure, she says. You don't believe in me, she says.

Well, I've been into many relationships from time to time and they didn't work out as planned. Eventually, I found a pattern, a stigmatic judgment -- a simple non-mathematical equation to justify the level of affection. This mechanism designs me to be very discreet and anxious towards a simple or even a slight change in voice, tone, dressing, appearance, treat, and gesture of my partner.

I hate it when someone labels me with something that I am not. And it doubles up when the one you admire, says it.

But anger doesn't solve problems, it is more likely fuel for fire. I don't want to add up more energy for arguing.

I think we have to go on separate ways, me says. We don't understand each other, me says. We are wasting our time, me says. This time, I speak out.

There are thoughts crossing my mind. When you love someone, you just love him/her no matter what, right? You always think about him/her every single second, right? In the busiest day of your life, you will find a way to spare some moment with him/her, right? And before you knowing it, you change, just because you want to be with him/her, right? You put him/her ahead of everything, right? You want him/her to be the best and you give the best of you for him/her, right? And it works for both. That is how people stick together for 100 years.

Yes, I'm ignorant, I am. I believe what I chose to believe. People cannot put their words to my mouth.

But I'm not arrogant enough to right what is wrong or to wrong what is right.

It's unethical. It's idiotic.

I'm not tired of loving you, me says. It just, I'm tired of getting in a situation, getting hurt, and hurt again, me says. Note, I speak in silent.

And suddenly, I remember what she had sms-ed earlier, "Some people meant to stay in your heart but not in your life."

And I also remember what had I said to myself, just after receiving every heart-aching texts, "I could not tolerate such behavior."

There are three words which always change the consequences of the world. They are the most powerful weapon of all kind. They are the wisest solution to end off the war instead of raising up a gun.

And the three words are: I love you.

It sounds cliche, but yes, I, too, failed to decode the puzzle behind it.

Life should be joyous, me says, voiceless.

I love you, she says. And it brings down my strongest defense line.

I love you too, me says.

I am defeated. No, it is not defeated, it's completion of surrender.

The love I have in my heart is more precious than scoring the argument.

I love her.

Rays

As I walk, I run, I sleep, or even to the washroom, there is a shadow follows. I wish I could change it with you.

Lavish

I put my head up and I see the sky. I wonder whether they are really blue.

I listen to the wind and hear a whisper. I wonder what are the words.

I drive my car and stop at red. I wonder when they turn green.

This is life. We keep thinking and wondering.

Yesterday, you asked me, "What's on your mind?"

I bit my tongue, because I felt embarrassed with what I had in my mind. My ego said, "No, there's nothing."

The truth is, it was you. Almost twenty four seven.

Ardent

There's a rock sits somewhere in the warm field.

There's a funeral outside and my ear catches the lost zeal.

There's a man carries his sins, drags his mind, speaks his will.

It's hard to convey thoughts and means without paying the bills.

Shall we heal the deal?

Shall we seal the meal?

Or surrender our love to the devil?

Sunday, 28 Oct 2012

Bayang

Bersendirian memasuki butik-butik tempohari tidak membuat aku memakan umpan. Memerhati dan membaca manusia-manusia yang bergegas-gegas ke sana-sini juga gagal menajamkan pemahaman aku terhadap diri sendiri.

Ada banyak perkara yang pupus dari diri aku. Muzik, sosial, sukan, seks, agama, teknologi, hiburan, filem, buku, makanan, hobi, semuanya seakan-akan menghilang daripada prioriti aku. Jika aku gali dalam-dalam apa yang aku mahu, semua jawapan akan kembali kepada persoalan asal yang akan berulang-ulang.

Hidup sehari-hari -- selain mencari orang atau orang-orang lain untuk dibenci -- ada-lah tentang memelihara kelesuan kehidupan.

@ Home

Antara hidup dan mati, antara waras dan terbuai, ada satu garisan nipis.

Aku panggil, penafian.

Yet, have we crossed the line?

Seloka

“Budak-budak muda sekarang sarat dengan agenda Islamik sampai-kan kadang-kadang buat aku menyampah!” Ramly luah pada Farid ketika dalam perjalanan pulang dari masjid sesudah terawih. “Teruk-nya, kecenderungan tu tak dapat disalur pada jalan yang betul!”

“Bila dah pandai sembahyang, bila dah mula pandai jejak kaki ke masjid, bila start dengar ceramah Ustaz Azhar, bila dada terasa ada isi, mula-lah jadi lain. Semua orang tak betul. Semua orang salah,” Ramly membebel. Tangannya disangkut ke atas.

“Iblis kena halau dulu pun sebab dia kata dia better, dia lebih baik dari Adam!” sambung Ramly lagi.

Farid malas menjawab. Dia memandu dengan tekun. Kuih-muih yang dia telan masa moreh setengah jam lepas benar-benar buat mata dia mengantuk. Dalam hati, dia merengus, “Dia mai dah!”

“Aku suka dengan agama, tapi aku tak suka orang yang menghukum atas alasan agama. Suka memberat-beratkan agama. Apa dengan menghukum dengan hukuman, Tuhan akan lebih suka dengan kita? Kita akan jadi lebih dekat dengan syurga?” bebel Ramly lagi.

“Apakah dengan menjatuhkan sesuatu hukuman dengan nilai yang paling maksimum itu, akan membuatkan Islam kita menjadi lebih Islam?”

“Islam bukan agama menghukum. Nabi masa pergi Taif, Jibril tanya samada nabi nak tak kalau dia laga-kan dua buah gunung dan hancur-kan penduduk Taif, sebab baling batu dan mempersendakan anjuran nabi.”

“Nabi kata tak nak!”

“Perempuan yang mengaku berzina dan berkeras mahu hukuman dilaksanakan ke atas dia pun nabi suruh balik!”

“Masalah sekarang, budak-budak muda sekarang dah tak ada kebijaksanaan dalam berfikir. Main tarah je. Macam kena rasuk. Belajar pandai-pandai, tapi otak singkat bila buat keputusan! Tak rasional!”

“Tak boleh bezakan antara kehendak agama dengan kehendak nak kuasa! Bila angan-angan mahu kuasa dicandu dan disulam dengan janji-janji bersalut agama, bila agama sebagai alat untuk menjadi popular, hasil dia yang pasti jadi adalah tipu-daya semata!”

“Salah ke aku berbeza pendapat? Dorang bukan mewakili Tuhan pun. Kenapa perlu rasa maksum sangat?”

“Setan ni pandai, bila dia tak goda dengan maksiat, dia goda guna agama!”

“Tengok sejarah, berapa ramai orang Islam yang mati akibat sengketa berbeza pendapat dalam agama. Tengok Syiah dengan Sunnah. Semua sebab rasa diri lebih mulia, lebih Islam daripada orang lain!”

“Itu baru dalam satu agama sendiri. Belum lagi konflik dengan agama-agama lain!”

Farid tetap mendengar dengan diam -- masih tekun menerus-kan pemanduan. Tidak terlalu laju dan tidak terlalu perlahan. Dia membiar-kan suaranya tersekat di kerongkong. Ramly, dengan kopiah lembik yang masih melekat di atas rambut nipisnya, melonggarkan pelikat lalu mengeluarkan kotak rokok yang disembunyikan di dalam gumpalan ikatannya, mengisyarat-kan untuk merokok pada Farid dan tanpa menunggu apa-apa isyarat jawapan dari Farid, dia terus menurunkan cermin tingkap dan mematikan pendingin udara. Angin malam masuk menderu menghentam muka mereka berdua.

“Apa dorang nak buat Bersih lagi ke apa ni?” perli Farid tiba-tiba diselang dengan tawa aneh dan terkekeh-kekeh yang dibuat-buat. Ramly pandang muka Farid dengan hambar dan sedikit mencuka.

Nafsu berbual Ramly jadi sedikit tawar. Dari nada Farid sebentar tadi, Ramly rumuskan Farid tidak berminat dengan topik yang sedang dia jaja.

Ramly tidak lagi berapi-api. Dia menyedut nikotin dalam-dalam sambil mata menumpu ke luar. Setiap sedutan dan hembusan dia berbunyi berat, seolah-olah sesak mengandung kerungsingan yang maha dahsyat.

Asap nikotin berpusar-pusar di dalam kereta menyucuk hidung Farid. Sesekali dia berdehem bila kelat bau nikotin menyekat nafas di kerongkongnya. Walaupun muka Farid berwajah seorang perokok, tapi dia selalu terbayang wajah arwah ibunya 30 tahun lalu yang melarang dia merokok bila saja dia mahu cuba-cuba merokok.

“Kau nak kaya?” Ramly tanya setelah emosi dia agak reda dan kembali normal. Diam Ramly rupa-rupanya tenggelam dalam fikiran. Rokoknya sudah ke puntung dan dia menyedut panjang untuk kali terakhir sebelum menjentik ke luar tingkap.

“Macam mana?” tanya Farid, bergegas. Farid sudah biasa dengan amalan Ramly yang suka memberontak tak tentu fasal sebelum memberi khabar-khabar gembira. Bagi Farid, Ramly selalu hadir buah fikiran bernas, walaupun kadang-kala sangat mengjengkelkan. Mungkin atas dasar unik itulah mereka kekal bersahabat rapat selama lebih dua puluh tahun.

“Macam mana?” tanya Farid sekali lagi, bersarung minat lebih kuat daripada sebelumnya. Congaknya, oleh kerana tingkap terbuka dan bunyi geseran tayar dicampur pula dengan riuh angin, pendengaran Ramly terlepas menangkap jawapannya. Lagi satu, timbul rasa bersalah sebab memerli Ramly sebentar tadi dan sekarang dia cuba menjalin kembali perbualan Ramly yang terputus.

“Buat agama baru! Tokey agama tak ada yang hidup susah!” jawab Ramly. Asap terakhir Ramly lepas kemas melalui lubang hidungnya yang kembang-kempis.

Sekali lagi Farid terpaksa tahan nafas daripada menghidu kepulan asap cengkih yang tengik. Menjuih bibir, dia bercadang untuk senyap sepanjang-panjang perjalanan, tidak kira tentang apa pun topik Ramly bual-kan.

502-2

“Mungkin Tuhan sayangkan kita lebih daripada apa yang kita ketahui,” sahut emak bila aku terangkan dan sorongkan beberapa urusan aku yang tergendala gara-gara kewangan yang meruncing, selepas menjawab, “Ada hikmah di sebalik semua yang berlaku.”

Oleh kerana ia termuntah daripada mulut emak, aku tidak banyak betah. Ayat-ayat yang keluar harus dipilih dengan bertanggungjawab, dewasa dan cermat. Aku tidak mahu membunuh suasana dengan kekecewaan aku. Jika orang lain yang anjur-kan jawapan yang serupa, sudah pastinya aku balas dengan rentetan-rentetan persoalan endah tak endah yang bakal dikatakan mengancam akidah dan rungutan-rungutan yang berbau kebencian.

Hey, apa maksud hikmah! Apa itu hikmah! Adakah kerana tiada kekuatan, hilang keupayaan dan tindakan yang termampu dibuat, semua perkara mesti di-alasankan kepada Tuhan?

Meng-alasankan Tuhan adalah cara terbaik untuk melembutkan permasalahan.

“Tuhan tarik sesuatu, Tuhan beri sesuatu, Tuhan tahan sesuatu, Tuhan lepaskan sesuatu, semuanya kerana Dia maha mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kita, untuk jangkamasa panjang,” ujar emak lagi.

Aku telan liur mendengar ceramahan emak. Untuk aku ulas dengan tegas pernyataan-pernyataan emak, aku perlu susun kata-kata. Aku tak mahu menyinggung keprihatinan dan kegundahan dia dengan sikap cuai dan sinis aku. Langkah terbaik, semestinya ialah menggigit lidah.

Kebenaran-nya, tentang beragama, tafsir logik sukar diterima sebagai hujah, kerana kapasiti manusia sebagai hamba terbatas dengan limitasi. Hanya iman yang sempurna dapat menerima penyerahan.

“Dato ada indicate dia tak nak bayar ke?” soal emak ketika memerhati-kan aku yang lama terdiam -- terleka meratah saki-baki lauk berbuka.

“Tak ada. Tak apa-lah, mak. Sabar je,” aku balas sambil menyambar pula surat khabar di atas meja. Mungkin berasa sedikit lega, emak mengangkat punggung dan terus berlalu ke dapur membimbit bekas-bekas makanan. Luahan dan keluhan panjang lebar aku sebentar tadi turut mengekor bersama-sama emak.

Aku membelek dan cuba menghadam tulisan-tulisan propaganda dengan hati yang memberat dengan seribu satu kelelahan.

“Are you okay, son?” sapaan mengejut abah dari belakang buat aku sedikit terperanjat. Spontan, aku segera jawab, “Okay, okay, I’m okay.”

Abah membuka peti sejuk dan mengeluarkan kotak kurma. Dia tarik kerusi, duduk sebelah aku, dan mula mengunyah. Mata dia menembus dinding.

“This kind of thing happens, nak. Kau kena tahan. Sabar. Don’t lose your faith,” abah bersuara. “Be strong.”

Aku tak berdaya membuka mulut. Ego aku seperti diinjak-injak, diludah-ludah. Rasa hiba perlahan-lahan berdengung-dengung mengambil alih rasa-rasa lain di dalam ruas-ruas darah. Hanya kekuatan yang dibuat-buat yang menahan aku daripada roboh memerhati raut-raut suram mereka.

Mahu saja aku kalungkan mereka dengan emas berlian.

Tapi aku tak ada emas berlian.

Bunyi kunyahan abah berselang-seli dengan pinggan-pinggan yang berlaga di sinki, menangkap pendengaran aku lebih dari bunyi-bunyi lain. Ia seperti satu skor muzikal dalam sebuah orkestra. Bezanya, ini sebuah orkestra kehidupan. 

“You see, son. They are not solving the problem. They are camouflaging the problem!” abah tiba-tiba bersuara, merujuk kepada iklan-iklan pewangi di atas dada suratkhabar yang aku bentang.

“Tak suci!” bidas emak dari sinki.

Aku cuma senyum. “We are doing the same thing right here!” aku jawab dalam hati.

Emak dan abah seorang yang ajaib. Atau mungkin semua emak dan abah di dalam dunia ini adalah manusia-manusia ajaib -- mereka buat apa yang mereka tidak mencadangkan. Dan mereka mencadangkan apa yang mereka tidak buat.

Aku tidak berdukacita dengan takdir yang disumpah ke atas aku, aku hanya mahu menggembirakan mereka dengan segala kelemahan aku.

Ada banyak emosi yang bergerak, mengorbit mengelilingi aku. Ada banyak fikir-fikir yang aku tak berjaya melawan dan menawannya. Dan yang terbesar, ada dua nyawa paling berharga yang tidak putus-putus membeban harap, yang sehingga kini, aku tak kesampaian lagi bahagiakan mereka.

Jika aku mati malam ini, ia akan jadi satu kematian yang paling tidak menyeronokkan.